


there's comfort in the bottom of a swimming pool (i'm holding my breath for you)

by Prettything_uglylie



Series: fictober 2020 [15]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Almost Kiss, Canon Compliant, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Canon, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier's Internalized Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, i think they both love each other but you can debate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettything_uglylie/pseuds/Prettything_uglylie
Summary: Please, please, don't kiss me, Richie thinks desperately suddenly. Please don't kiss me or I'll throw up. Please don't kiss me or I'll never know how to not think of your plump tiers every time someone goes to kiss me.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: fictober 2020 [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954993
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	there's comfort in the bottom of a swimming pool (i'm holding my breath for you)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I hope you like this! It's a sporadic moment but one that means a lot to me for so many reasons! I hope you like it!

They're laying on the unrelenting wood of the Tozier's home floor and they haven't talked in a time that his brain screams over, begging him to scream and speak and be heard. 

But he's grown up. He knows not to fill unnecessary space anymore ( _it's okay not to talk all the time_ , he remembers and Stan's voice had not been cruel, far from, instead, his tone had licked at the edges of reassuring) and he especially knows he should not fill this space. Not when there's a swell of ~~repressed~~ ~~fear~~ _thingsRichieTozierdoesnothavenamesforbetweenthem_. 

"Rich?" Eddie asks, his voice the trickle of cool water into a glass and Richie is a victim of dehydration - is always victim, is always cut under the knife, is always _Dead_ _Boy_ in the stories. 

And he's staring again. He's staring because he remembers Eddie Kaspbrak, ten years old, being introduced to him and one Stanley Uris by Big Stuttering Bill himself. He's staring because Eddie is no longer Eddie Spaghetti, is no longer brunt-of-the-joke, easy-to-tease. He's staring because they are seventeen, Eddie Kaspbrak's doe eyes framed by thick lashes, but Richie Tozier feels like he's eleven years old hearing 'gay' for the first time. 

It had been a word brought to them, grasped between Bill Denbrough's nimble fingers and stuttered like a broken beat in a song between his periwinkle lips, and set down before the four boys for the scrutinizing and prodding akin to that of science frogs. Bill had always brought them words, brought them splices and commas and words they had no use for. 

"Yeah?" He asks and he's still caught in Eddie's caramel eyes. 

Eddie's lips form words that through his adoration-drowned brain, he considers himself lucky to hear properly. Eddie's eyes may carry the color but something about his voice sends Richie in this crazy, gooey, and warm flood. Eddie always feels like the caramel left in his teeth - on more than one occasion, he has wondered if he is just as much a killer of those dead boys like him. 

"Are you gonna miss Bill?" 

Of course, he is. Of course, he's going to miss Denbrough: he's everything that Richie assumed he would want in a _girlfriend_ as a child; brave, beautiful, brilliant, and bold, but now, he has found himself completely wrapped into Eddie Kaspbrak. He had a bit of a crush on Bill then, but he will be in love with Eddie for a while. Of course, he would miss Bill, but he can already feel himself missing Eddie. 

Instead, he breathes, "Yeah." 

The silence, instead of comfortable, turns into something full of tension and Richie feels his stomach churn like it does when he's about to vomit. Eddie seems like he has something to say and though Richie is always holding his secrets back, he can feel it and he wants to know. 

"Are we gonna be like that?" Eddie, his voice a breath of relief, asks and Richie's heart is every snare drum at every school rally that leaves him feeling it in his temples the next day. Going to be like what? 

Eddie continues and the panic given to diseases like listeria is handed to less severe disease in the form of Richie himself, "Are you gonna move and then we're not going to talk anymore?" 

He hates the panic, despises the idea that Eddie is already thinking about losing him despite Richie knowing he too has been worried about it since Bev moved. 

He reassures both of them, "I'm not moving any time soon." 

It's a childish reassurance, he knows, for both him and Eddie; It feels like the time, at twelve, when he had told Georgie Denbrough that Santa wasn't real and spent the rest of the day atoning for it. He is every bit a child, despite not having been a child for four years. 

It's childish but he can hear them both breathe easier. 

It's childish but now, they both know if Richie moves, it is kicking and screaming, fighting with his parents. It's childish but it almost feels like a love confession that will never pour over the lips of his big ditch mouth. 

It's childish, but the most childish jokes have always been the ones that make Eddie laugh the most. 

Eddie hovers over him suddenly and Richie is silent. Maybe he finally understands what Bev meant when she admitted sometimes it feels like her voice is stolen. 

Something in Eddie's chocolate eyes screams of broken want - despite Bill's eyes being a brilliant blue, they remind him of Denbrough's own optics every time he would tilt a liquor bottle heaven-bound or kiss anyone in the bar outside of Derry they would visit in an attempt to feel whole again. 

_Please, please, don't kiss me,_ Richie thinks desperately suddenly. _Please don't kiss me or I'll throw up. Please don't kiss me or I'll never know how to not think of your plump tiers every time someone goes to kiss me. Please don't kiss me because I will have to kill myself because I would have experienced the best thing any world has to offer me. Please don't kiss me because, though I am sure I already won't, I will never be able to love anyone after you. Please don't kiss me because you miss Bill. Please don't kiss me because I will never love anyone after you already, kissed or not, but god, it will ache more if I'm comparing every kiss I have to you._

'Is It better to know or to always wonder?' Some cheesy book in their English class had asked and he wouldn't have remembered but Denbrough had been smitten to the book and that line had resonated deeply with Richie himself. 

He often wonders if it would be worse to always live in the figment of his imagination of kissing Eddie, of taking him on dates or of hearing Eddie say 'I love you' and knowing it means like _that_. Or if it would be worse to know how Eddie kisses, if it's the gentle push of their lips together or if it's a needy insatiable thing Richie imagines sometimes when his hand sneaks beneath his covers some nights - he hates that a God knows he has come apart in his own hand thinking about just _kissing_ Eddie. 

He decides there is no winning. He'll love Eddie Kaspbrak until he dies and even then, they will bury him with dirt to keep from clawing his way to Eddie. 

One time he had wondered why his brain always brings him to the grave but then he remembers the lessons taught young in Derry, _the fag boys never live. The fag boys are condemned to Hell the minute they are born._

Eddie doesn't kiss him and Richie is equal parts broken and grateful. His kiss would condemn him, he thinks, but maybe it would be worth it. Eddie lies on his chest instead, eyes deflating and Richie wonders if he could see the fear in his eyes. Richie wraps his arms around Eddie's frame because before all else, he is in love with Eddie Kaspbrak but he is Eddie Kaspbrak's best friend. 

And he loves him so much, in every way. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Kudos and comments are my everything!


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